I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
