I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
