So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
