mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
