My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
