my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
