you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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