i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
