i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
