It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
