Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
