tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
