He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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