i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
