nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
