Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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