I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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