I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
