So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
