nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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