i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
