The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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