My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
