Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
