toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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