Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
