Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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