I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Randomize
