whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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