why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
