don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
