come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
