Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
