I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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