i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
