i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
