i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
