I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
