new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
