i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
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Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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