I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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