You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I want a musical about memes.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
