I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We need a shit load of segways right now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
