The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
