I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
