Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
