I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
