Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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