last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
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i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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