im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
