i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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