it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
