Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
