Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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