think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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