have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
