I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
