Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
