so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
