never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
