At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
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You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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