We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
